What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:04
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
Do you think this Labour Party is qualified to run our country?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was scared of men, in general
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I waited trembling.
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were not on the streets..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
Put me off passion for life!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.